just call me stupid.

this is a good thing.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 06:53:15 GMT

i will own a piece of everyone's heart before i die.

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 20:30:42 GMT

the sun always makes me goospimple when i lay out. i wish they would leave, so i could be alone. beware, bitterness is sickly. i need something sweet. i realized, i don't have it that bad. keeping the head up. I've felt the coldness of my winter; I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us, But I know that I love you so. These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they r i s e and f a l l This is the wonder of devotion, I see the torch we all must h o l d. This is the mystery of the quotient. Upon us all a little rain must fall. just a little rain.

the best way out is always through.

Sun, 06 Jun 2004 18:48:59 GMT

head up, young person.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 03:10:32 GMT

life's toughest lesson #7

almost always, people will lie.

even when they're caught in their lies, they'll still cover it up with more.

singing with tears.

Tue, 25 May 2004 01:32:46 GMT

i need a big distraction and please let it be really good.

Wed, 19 May 2004 04:32:05 GMT

hope he finds what he's looking for. despite the arguing, the bickering, the frustration, and the bad lane changes we make, i realized how much of him is inside me and how that will never fade. there's something that a parent gives a child, that will never be stripped away from them. whether the feeling is resentful or joyus, it stays with them forever.

i wish i could tell him this to his face.
maybe i should leave my hope box out, for him to find.

nevermind, some things will always reamin hopeless. especially those you hope for far too much. i tried.
my 80 year-old neighbor, who i barely speak with, gave me a graduation card today. i opened it, and honestly felt the best feeling besides that beautiful boy coming in today. it's amazing to recieve something from someone, knowing they were thinking of you.

there's nothing perfect; there's only life.

Tue, 18 May 2004 05:47:05 GMT

ahh, i feel so relieved. i really think my hope box works. but only when i hope for others, and not myself.

from my hope box
i hope she sleeps well tonight, and we get along when she wakes

for the first time since the fight, we laughed.

my aunt is having twins!!!! my mom is going to watch them. my other cousin is going to have competition. man, i'm so excited.

life really is wonderful; when you do your part and live it.

Mon, 17 May 2004 04:59:33 GMT

i just want to hug her and tell her how much i really do love her. even though we havent told eacother those words in years. i want to tell her that i really do know my ugly actions, and that i do cry often because i treat her bad. and i really wish that we could share secrets and not fight everyday and everynight. i want to know her, and tell her sorry for her past. and for that awful man leaving her life at such an early age. but mostly, i want to apologize for letting this happen too late, and for me being so secretive that i ran out of faith for us building what should have been there, naturally.

i want to hug him and tell him that until this year he has been my hero. i want to tell him how much i evny that he can let go of people that stomp on him, and how much i evny that he can make a whole room laugh hysterically. i want him to know that when i grow older, i want somebody just like him.

i want to tell her how much i think of her. and that i occasionally cry about her. i want to tell her that i think about her. her bad things and good things. i want to tell her that i wished that night never happened. but people do things, and its always for a reason.

i want to tell him how i cant get over this. and that iknow i should. and that iknow this is the best for everything. especially for myself. i want him to know that he's still in my heart, even though i'm out of his. i want him to know that i think about him a lot; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

somebody make me delete this post by tomorrow.

and typical me, to put a silly
Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with. in my entry, to rap things up.

when your heartstrings break.

Mon, 17 May 2004 04:21:45 GMT

from my hope box
he said i could do better than him; hopefully i do

the roses in my backyard died. i'm sad because they were really beautiful. i guess all beautiful things must come to end sometime. nothing gold can stay.

closure, for me.

p.s. i was talking to mike, and i want to start a band.

andi, i know you got some musical instruments. let's bring lefthandpink into action.

seriously.

it's over.

Sun, 16 May 2004 21:15:12 GMT

from my hope box
he always said there was potential for more. just wait; good things will happen

maybe something better.

last night i had a dream i lived in a haunted house.

Sun, 16 May 2004 08:24:49 GMT

I hate i dont think my mother and i will ever get along. or even yet have a realtionship. tonight we got into a big fight. we're she wanted to disconnect me, and i secretly did too. it's awful sometimes, but its not only. i'm far from being perfect. and far from being a good daughter. if i can't be good to the people that supposively love me the most, does that make me an ugly person in general. or fake even? if you cant be nice to the people you 'love', how can you be nice to everyone around you. man, i'm chillen right now. excuse the rant.

my dad went to the emergency room. i was scared, but it was only because of hives. good thing he's okay. with her.

i wonder if it's just me, or if people seem to get uglier and uglier as you really get to know them. (or find out their appalling actions) good god.

i'm smarter now; thicker skin. it feels nice. some say, "how does it feel to get punked?"
feels good.
some say it's like i lost, but to me, it's more along the lines of, "the prize is just not worth winning."

good thing ~~i'm~~he's out of the picture.
smoother sailing for us them now.

goodnight.

p.s. last night didnt trigger this. it's been built up for months.

reluctance.

Fri, 14 May 2004 07:55:21 GMT

it's okay, everyone is granted an emo day every now and then. a day to feel nothing but pity for yourself, and sulk in your self-indulgence with tears that fall over anything and everything sad.

i made this little box today. this box is going to hold all my scraps of paper that i write on whenever i feel sad, frustrated, or just plain lousy. i'm going to write down quotes, wishes, OUT through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch-hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question 'Whither?'

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?
-robert frost.,or just plain rantings of how i feel. and put them in my 'hope' box. you know, i was always really retarded, but this just goes to show you how stupid i can be.

there's a never ending conflict between the heart and mind. the mind knows we have no control over 'the end' to all things, but our hearts have the a hard time grasping that we must let some things go. even love. when we listen to our mind, we accept and betray our hearts desires. giving into the end; something our hearts won't let us do.

it's a helpless feeling. you know, having to The mind-is not the heart.
I may yet live, as I know others live,
To wish in vain to let go with the mind-
Of cares, at night, to sleep; but nothing tells me
That I need learn to let go with the heart.

god damn. i hate life sometimes.

you open up your heart, so i can love you and your disease.

Thu, 13 May 2004 05:08:41 GMT

The farmer flicked on the radio and the Surpremes blared through the truck cab with "Baby, baby, where did our love go?" There's nothing like a song about to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you've hung it so careful. I laid my head against leen's arm. I wanted her to pat life back into place, but her hands lay still in her lap.

For once, then something.

Wed, 12 May 2004 04:36:09 GMT

Others taught me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
Me myself in the summer heaven godlike
Looking out of a wreath of fern and
Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths--and then I lost it.
Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something

relationshits

Tue, 11 May 2004 05:14:54 GMT

life's sweetest moment #1:

when this one boy (who adored me/who i adored back) bought me a bunch of flowers for my birthday. it was absolutely cute because he sent them to the school, so i got a call from the office to pick them up. he left a sweet note and said this was only half the present. later on, he bought me a beta fish and it was adorable because i told him the story about how my mom killed my fish, scaley, and i was really crushed from that.

life's sweetest moment #2:

a couple of years ago, for my 15th birthday or something, all my friends got together and threw me this really great surprise party. we didn't do much, but i felt really loved.

life's sweetest moment #3:

i went to this one lake last summer, with this one person and i remember walking down this really steep hill (that we'd eventually have hike back up) and just talking while the sun was on it's way to setting. what made it so sweet was, i felt i related to this person. and this person related back. but i don't know, it somehow diminished. one of life's unexplainable things, i guess.but you can refer to life's toughest lesson #3 for further detail.

life's sweetest moment#4:
when this one boy, decided to run to my house to see me at like 3:00 in the morning, but got lost in the rain trying to actually find it. that was really sweet. another unexplainable thing. but refer to life's toughest lesson #1.

---i dont' know what made me think of these things. maybe work because my co-worker mike is really sweet. and i had fun working with him because he's such the listener.

i was thinking, what does revenge do? really, nothing. like if you want to get back at the person so they feel the same amount of pain you've felt, it doesnt erase yours. i think of revenge as some pathetic tantrum thrown. you do mean things to get attention, often. also, if you genuinely care/cared for that person, you wouldn't want to see the other person hurt. or if you just didn't care at all.

or you know that one game that is played, when you purposely hurt the person so they'll change their mind about something. again, another tantrum to get what you want. i dont understand why i find myself and other people doing this, but it's so ugly.

it's like, you want this one person to see it your way. you also want them to feel what you feel. s so you think hurting them will get you to where you want things, but it really doesnt. cause if you're a sensible person, you'd have enough love for yourself to just accept and move on from things. and if you did have love for that person, you wouldnt want to see them hurt even though you were.

i dont make any sense.

x The Hero x (11:12:09 PM): Hey bitch, that "Jerry loves Kaylee" grafiti by my sidewalk won't go away.
x The Hero x (11:12:12 PM): Fix that shit.
f you see k this (11:14:30 PM): :-)

well...to feel better, i'm not grounded anymore. my grades are fine, and my relationships with the TAs will cause you jealously.

Mon, 10 May 2004 01:10:23 GMT

life's toughest lesson #2:
you can be rollin sky high, and shot down to the lowest low in a matter of minutes. life's so sketchy and unpredictable. nobody is guarenteed blissful moments forever.
enjoy them while they're great.

life's toughest lesson #3:
sometimes even the people you trust with your life let you down.

life's toughest lesson #4:
through words, no one will ever know if the person is sincere or not. it's a shame actions have to speak louder than our words, because words are so much easier to spit out. but oh so much harder to eat up.

life's toughest lesson #5:
you can't have everything you want. because if you took more than you gave, what would be left for others? life is all about sacrafice and acceptance.

life's toughest lesson #6:
people are so freaking two-faced you really can't trust them. if you're lucky, you'll be blessed with maybe 1 or 2 genuinely honest/real people in your life. but otherwise, people are tricky. always.

i feel so retarded sometimes. you know, for sulking and getting down about ridiculous things that i shouldn't even think twice about caring for. i was feeling good last week. i was at a prime moment. fuck man. fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck x1000000000000.

someone i'd never thought i would give the time and day to listen to said something that made me smile. i really shouldn't believe it, but i can only help but to feel a tiny bit of happiness from it. but it's a shame, cause i know this will never change. it's a god damn circle of never ending........bullshit. i'm being vauge, but i sort of have to.

when you know you deserve better and this again distracts you, is the most difficult feeling in the world. man.

and now it's time for some really pathetic lyrics from a really good band called arab strap:
Now you always say terminated, i never hear you say aborted.
You just have to accept mistakes happen and sometimes
They have to be sorted.
You know i'd love it; a little us would be sweet
but don't take that from your pro-life pal, she doesn't even eat meat.
It's as simple as this - the time's not right.
You need a new job and some sleep tonight.

p.s. i'm grounded till i raise my f's to c's. school is the last of my concerns. but as far as my dad, i'm back on his shit list. this is not the problem though.

bullllllllllllllshit, huh?

Sat, 08 May 2004 22:33:15 GMT

life's toughest lesson #1:

no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone fall in love with you.

i wouldn't mind that one thing still.

Wed, 05 May 2004 06:14:03 GMT

Things seem so much better when, they're not part of your close surroundings.
Like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance.
Possibilities and sweeter dreams.
Sights and sounds calling form far away, calling from far away

so I had this talk with my dad and for once in my life, it didn't involve yelling or arguing. he said he's proud of my improvments, and offered to pay for college (a UC or something) after i do two years at delta. this means, if i keep up this good work, i'll be out in two years. out of tracy, out of this house.

i work at the dentist now. and i found out how much a dental hygenist makes, and i want to become that now. and i'm getting a shit load of expirience right now working there, so this looks like a possiblity.

i feel like i've been blessed with something. i think i needed it, considering i've been feeling lifeless for the past 5 months. i finally feel like i'm going to do somethign with my life. i have a path to follow, which gives me more confidence to accomplish those scary things in the process of 'growing up'.

---
Nicole and i had our usual donut night.
after we decided to go by Ashley's house and talk to her family. we were scared to find them asleep, or not wanting visitors. but we passed by, and they were outside socializing, enjoying life.
they invited us inside, and mary was there. i just recently met mary. the girl is amazingly sweet. sweet as in, rad and nice. we watched funny videos of her, and talked about ashley.

her mom seems to be doing good. she told nicole she was scared to not see ashleys' friends anymore. she still wants everyone to keep in touch.

share my mood.

Tue, 04 May 2004 05:49:34 GMT

i stopped playing sad songs.

i fell in love. i found that love i never thought could ever exist. and you know what? it's not even a boy. it's myself and my life around me. i have confidence, no attachments, no distractions and some money. and i'm feeling more light chested when i go to bed at night. i have this great deal of respect for myself and i'm finally realizing what i need to do to get good things going for me. respecting my needs and wants and not letting anything bring them down. and i truly believe in karma. and i'm not saying i'm the nicest most greatest most honest person alive, but i deserve good things. and i'm working for them. and i understand that being paitent and accepting towards everything is the key to it.

i pray this good mood of mine never fades out. i want this love to last.

---

today everyone thought i was really wasted at the dance.
i wasnt, which was funny.
royce said somethign funny, but typing it doesnt even do what he said justice because the way he said it was what gave it humor.
"i saw you freaking nicole, and i wanted to ditch my date and be like, "oooo kalie"

something sparked inside of me. kafdlsjfdsklfj.

and i want someone to ridicule this journal and make fun of it. cause that would be really funny right now.

i love you, kalie.

love.

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 05:27:29 GMT

you know, i'm not a really religious person, but i truly felt ashley's spirit in that hall today. everyone was dancing, and there was nothing but smiles. even her mom was having fun with us. ashley was the type of person who always wanted people to have fun, and she was always dancing. i really do believe her spirit was in us all.

i really did learn a lot from ashley. and it's sad to say from her death, but really she was a girl to live life to the fullest. she left with no unfinished business. i wish i could explain how it all pieced togehter, but i can't. all i know is, i learned to not take anything for granted. and a bit of ashley left with me. to live my day as if it was my last.

this is really cheesy. but true.

one person who kissed my heart.

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 06:24:07 GMT

so today, again, was sad.

everyone was sharing stories about ashley. and hearing these stories, i regret not being able to get to know her better. i mean, i didnt exactly know her well, but i shared some good times with her. i mean, i knew this girl.

---

I first met Ashely during volleyball season, junior year. i remember my very frist thoughts of her were, "wow, this girl is very pretty." i envied the way her butt look in spandex and her long curly hair. i remember laughing with her, because she approached me and said, "i really suck, can you help me"
so i helped her out, and she made the team. about a month into to it, she approached the team and said, "you know, you all are so good and i just really suck, so i'm going to quit" she was really cute about it, laughing and smiling. we all thought she was crazy.

another memory was when i went with the drama crew out to the 'haunted hotel'.
when the dogs started barking, all the chicken shit people ran, except ashley, lisa, pat, me and a few others. i remember we were scared as hell, and i kept telling her we should run back. she wanted to run back with me, but we managed to stay and go into the hotel. that was a really fun night.

and i remember the night rally. we all went together, in lisa's car. we blast limp bisket and honked the horn loudly down the streets of tracy. we stopped at a gas station and she was booty dancing in front of these old men. we got a camera, and told her to run and steal it. but she was an honest person, and bought it.

ashley was a beautiful person. really, inside and out. and i know she's going to be greatly missed.

her rosary and viewing is tomorrow. and the funeral thursday.
pray or keep her family/friends close in thought.

p.s.
the flyers they made for her...

slowly collapsing.

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 05:32:02 GMT

i'm so sick of people it's not even funny.

i haven't had a day off since thursday and i've never been this tired in my whole entire life. more like overwhelmed/exhausted/everything that has to do with feeling weak and crappy. hi, this is the real world, where you have to make money and suck up the stupid hours your stupid job gives you.

like i said, i'm sick of people. i'm sick of my parents. really you'd think after me getting all kinds of jobs and stuff they'd be a little more relaxed. but no, my dad is a ill-tempered man who never seems to be satisfied with anything (or to be more specific, anything i do).

whatever.

---

School today was awful. lisa and everyone wrote in chalk memories of ashley. and each time i saw the writings, i cried. the flyers they made were beautiful, and a reminder of how easy life can be taken away from us. to look at those flyers, and to see a girl that's the same age as you with all her friends, really hits home. this is starting to become reality.

maybe i shouldn't be so upset with my parents.

but some more tragic news, another girl today got into a car accident. she's severely injured. broken neck and stuff. she went to our school, too. this week has really been awful.

i need a hug or something. but then again, i hate people at the moment. this is the time i really wish i had a cat or something.

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 20:48:40 GMT

i think this is the first time i ever read the paper and felt my heart drop.

blame it on the invincible mind set.

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 22:44:33 GMT

I'm extremely upset right now.

things happened too fast. too many things, in a short amount of time. i feel like going into a deep sleep, and waking up next friday. too many things. not enough time.

everything piles.

i hope nicole and lisa cope well. we hung out a few times. she was a really cool girl. she didn't deserve this.

stuff like this happens. sometimes too fast. in this case, too soon.
---

no matter how many times it's pounded inside their head, people gonna most likely do it.
no matter how many times they read the statistics, people are still going to do it.
you think you're invincible.
no matter how many times they're scared shitless of the stories, people are still gonna d oit.
no matter how many movies, guest speakers, or lectures you receive, you're gonna do it.

i think you stop when you're givin a second chance.
or you stop because you're no longer able to do it.
you're either dead or critically injured.

a lighter chest.

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 05:51:59 GMT

so i was talking to this random stranger today, basically about everything.
i really felt better about myself, and about everything that has been recently bothering me.
i think strangers are sometimes better than talking to a best friend. they dont know you, so you can tell them anything (considering you'll never see them in your life again) so you feel relieved. i dont know, talking about my horrible situations in life always helps me feel ten times better.

i appreciate caring strangers. i could talk their ear off.