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[11 Jun 2004|01:29pm] |
the sun always makes me goospimple when i lay out. i wish they would leave, so i could be alone. beware, bitterness is sickly. i need something sweet. i realized, i don't have it that bad. keeping the head up.
I've felt the coldness of my winter; I never thought it would ever go.
I cursed the gloom that set upon us, But I know that I love you so.
These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they r i s e and f a l l
This is the wonder of devotion, I see the torch we all must h o l d.
This is the mystery of the quotient.
Upon us all a little rain must fall.
just a little rain.
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[01 Jun 2004|08:09pm] |
life's toughest lesson #7
almost always, people will lie.
even when they're caught in their lies, they'll still cover it up with more.
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| singing with tears. |
[24 May 2004|06:31pm] |
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i need a big distraction and please let it be really good.
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[18 May 2004|09:26pm] |
( #4 )
i wish i could tell him this to his face.
maybe i should leave my hope box out, for him to find.
nevermind, some things will always reamin hopeless. especially those you hope for far too much. i tried.
my 80 year-old neighbor, who i barely speak with, gave me a graduation card today. i opened it, and honestly felt the best feeling besides that beautiful boy coming in today. it's amazing to recieve something from someone, knowing they were thinking of you.
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| there's nothing perfect; there's only life. |
[17 May 2004|10:44pm] |
ahh, i feel so relieved. i really think my hope box works. but only when i hope for others, and not myself.
from my hope box ( #3 )
for the first time since the fight, we laughed.
my aunt is having twins!!!! my mom is going to watch them. my other cousin is going to have competition. man, i'm so excited.
life really is wonderful; when you do your part and live it.
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[16 May 2004|09:51pm] |
i just want to hug her and tell her how much i really do love her. even though we havent told eacother those words in years. i want to tell her that i really do know my ugly actions, and that i do cry often because i treat her bad. and i really wish that we could share secrets and not fight everyday and everynight. i want to know her, and tell her sorry for her past. and for that awful man leaving her life at such an early age. but mostly, i want to apologize for letting this happen too late, and for me being so secretive that i ran out of faith for us building what should have been there, naturally.
i want to hug him and tell him that until this year he has been my hero. i want to tell him how much i evny that he can let go of people that stomp on him, and how much i evny that he can make a whole room laugh hysterically. i want him to know that when i grow older, i want somebody just like him.
i want to tell her how much i think of her. and that i occasionally cry about her. i want to tell her that i think about her. her bad things and good things. i want to tell her that i wished that night never happened. but people do things, and its always for a reason.
i want to tell him how i cant get over this. and that iknow i should. and that iknow this is the best for everything. especially for myself. i want him to know that he's still in my heart, even though i'm out of his. i want him to know that i think about him a lot; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
somebody make me delete this post by tomorrow.
and typical me, to put a silly ( quote ) in my entry, to rap things up.
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| when your heartstrings break. |
[16 May 2004|09:20pm] |
from my hope box ( #2 )
the roses in my backyard died. i'm sad because they were really beautiful. i guess all beautiful things must come to end sometime. nothing gold can stay.
closure, for me.
p.s. i was talking to mike, and i want to start a band.
andi, i know you got some musical instruments. let's bring lefthandpink into action.
seriously.
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| it's over. |
[16 May 2004|02:14pm] |
from my hope box ( #1 )
maybe something better.
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| last night i had a dream i lived in a haunted house. |
[16 May 2004|01:22am] |
I hate ( fighting ) with her.
i wonder if it's just me, or if people seem to get uglier and uglier as you really get to know them. (or find out their appalling actions) good god.
i'm smarter now; thicker skin. it feels nice. some say, "how does it feel to get punked?"
feels good.
some say it's like i lost, but to me, it's more along the lines of, "the prize is just not worth winning."
good thing i'mhe's out of the picture.
smoother sailing for us them now.
goodnight.
p.s. last night didnt trigger this. it's been built up for months.
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| reluctance. |
[14 May 2004|12:54am] |
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music |
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wanted-the cranberries. |
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it's okay, everyone is granted an emo day every now and then. a day to feel nothing but pity for yourself, and sulk in your self-indulgence with tears that fall over anything and everything sad.
i made this little box today. this box is going to hold all my scraps of paper that i write on whenever i feel sad, frustrated, or just plain lousy. i'm going to write down quotes, wishes, ( poems ),or just plain rantings of how i feel. and put them in my 'hope' box. you know, i was always really retarded, but this just goes to show you how stupid i can be.
there's a never ending conflict between the heart and mind. the mind knows we have no control over 'the end' to all things, but our hearts have the a hard time grasping that we must let some things go. even love. when we listen to our mind, we accept and betray our hearts desires. giving into the end; something our hearts won't let us do.
it's a helpless feeling. you know, having to ( let go. )
god damn. i hate life sometimes.
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| you open up your heart, so i can love you and your disease. |
[12 May 2004|10:06pm] |
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music |
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tara reid is a whore-head automatica |
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The farmer flicked on the radio and the Surpremes blared through the truck cab with "Baby, baby, where did our love go?" There's nothing like a song about ( lost love ) to remind you how everything precious can slip from the hinges where you've hung it so careful. I laid my head against ( Rosa )leen's arm. I wanted her to pat life back into place, but her hands lay still in her lap.
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| For once, then something. |
[11 May 2004|09:35pm] |
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music |
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a rush of blood to the head-coldplay |
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Others taught me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
Me myself in the summer heaven godlike
Looking out of a wreath of fern and ( cloud puffs. )
Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths--and then I lost it.
Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something
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| relationshits |
[10 May 2004|10:04pm] |
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music |
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last nights fight-mellowdrone |
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life's sweetest moment #1:
when this one boy (who adored me/who i adored back) bought me a bunch of flowers for my birthday. it was absolutely cute because he sent them to the school, so i got a call from the office to pick them up. he left a sweet note and said this was only half the present. later on, he bought me a beta fish and it was adorable because i told him the story about how my mom killed my fish, scaley, and i was really crushed from that.
life's sweetest moment #2:
a couple of years ago, for my 15th birthday or something, all my friends got together and threw me this really great surprise party. we didn't do much, but i felt really loved.
life's sweetest moment #3:
i went to this one lake last summer, with this one person and i remember walking down this really steep hill (that we'd eventually have hike back up) and just talking while the sun was on it's way to setting. what made it so sweet was, i felt i related to this person. and this person related back. but i don't know, it somehow diminished. one of life's unexplainable things, i guess.but you can refer to life's toughest lesson #3 for further detail.
life's sweetest moment#4:
when this one boy, decided to run to my house to see me at like 3:00 in the morning, but got lost in the rain trying to actually find it. that was really sweet. another unexplainable thing. but refer to life's toughest lesson #1.
( somethings will never be understood )
i dont make any sense.
x The Hero x (11:12:09 PM): Hey bitch, that "Jerry loves Kaylee" grafiti by my sidewalk won't go away.
x The Hero x (11:12:12 PM): Fix that shit.
f you see k this (11:14:30 PM): :-)
well...to feel better, i'm not grounded anymore. my grades are fine, and my relationships with the TAs will cause you jealously.
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[09 May 2004|06:10pm] |
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music |
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in the mouth a desert-pavement. |
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life's toughest lesson #2:
you can be rollin sky high, and shot down to the lowest low in a matter of minutes. life's so sketchy and unpredictable. nobody is guarenteed blissful moments forever.
enjoy them while they're great.
life's toughest lesson #3:
sometimes even the people you trust with your life let you down.
life's toughest lesson #4:
through words, no one will ever know if the person is sincere or not. it's a shame actions have to speak louder than our words, because words are so much easier to spit out. but oh so much harder to eat up.
life's toughest lesson #5:
you can't have everything you want. because if you took more than you gave, what would be left for others? life is all about sacrafice and acceptance.
life's toughest lesson #6:
people are so freaking two-faced you really can't trust them. if you're lucky, you'll be blessed with maybe 1 or 2 genuinely honest/real people in your life. but otherwise, people are tricky. always.
( and now for some pathetic complaning from miss. kalie herself: )
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[08 May 2004|03:32pm] |
life's toughest lesson #1:
no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone fall in love with you.
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| i wouldn't mind that one thing still. |
[04 May 2004|11:00pm] |
Things seem so much better when, they're not part of your close surroundings.
Like words in a letter sent, amplified by the distance.
Possibilities and sweeter dreams.
Sights and sounds calling form far away, calling from far away
so I had this talk with my dad and for once in my life, it didn't involve yelling or arguing. he said he's proud of my improvments, and offered to pay for college (a UC or something) after i do two years at delta. this means, if i keep up this good work, i'll be out in two years. out of tracy, out of this house.
i work at the dentist now. and i found out how much a dental hygenist makes, and i want to become that now. and i'm getting a shit load of expirience right now working there, so this looks like a possiblity.
i feel like i've been blessed with something. i think i needed it, considering i've been feeling lifeless for the past 5 months. i finally feel like i'm going to do somethign with my life. i have a path to follow, which gives me more confidence to accomplish those scary things in the process of 'growing up'.
---
Nicole and i had our usual donut night.
after we decided to go by Ashley's house and talk to her family. we were scared to find them asleep, or not wanting visitors. but we passed by, and they were outside socializing, enjoying life.
they invited us inside, and mary was there. i just recently met mary. the girl is amazingly sweet. sweet as in, rad and nice. we watched funny videos of her, and talked about ashley.
her mom seems to be doing good. she told nicole she was scared to not see ashleys' friends anymore. she still wants everyone to keep in touch.
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| share my mood. |
[03 May 2004|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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tired as hell, but enjoying it |
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music |
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young at heart-frank sinatra |
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i stopped playing sad songs.
i fell in love. i found that love i never thought could ever exist. and you know what? it's not even a boy. it's myself and my life around me. i have confidence, no attachments, no distractions and some money. and i'm feeling more light chested when i go to bed at night. i have this great deal of respect for myself and i'm finally realizing what i need to do to get good things going for me. respecting my needs and wants and not letting anything bring them down. and i truly believe in karma. and i'm not saying i'm the nicest most greatest most honest person alive, but i deserve good things. and i'm working for them. and i understand that being paitent and accepting towards everything is the key to it.
i pray this good mood of mine never fades out. i want this love to last.
---
today everyone thought i was really wasted at the dance.
i wasnt, which was funny.
royce said somethign funny, but typing it doesnt even do what he said justice because the way he said it was what gave it humor.
"i saw you freaking nicole, and i wanted to ditch my date and be like, "oooo kalie"
something sparked inside of me. kafdlsjfdsklfj.
and i want someone to ridicule this journal and make fun of it. cause that would be really funny right now.
i love you, kalie.
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| love. |
[29 Apr 2004|10:23pm] |
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music |
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still fighting it-ben folds. |
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you know, i'm not a really religious person, but i truly felt ashley's spirit in that hall today. everyone was dancing, and there was nothing but smiles. even her mom was having fun with us. ashley was the type of person who always wanted people to have fun, and she was always dancing. i really do believe her spirit was in us all.
i really did learn a lot from ashley. and it's sad to say from her death, but really she was a girl to live life to the fullest. she left with no unfinished business. i wish i could explain how it all pieced togehter, but i can't. all i know is, i learned to not take anything for granted. and a bit of ashley left with me. to live my day as if it was my last.
this is really cheesy. but true.
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dont_go_quietly's journal